Setting the Captive Free: Panic Attacks Part 2
In February of this year, my phobias drove me to an anorexic state. I was so afraid of dying from a food allergy that I just stopped eating all together. I could only bring myself to eat soups and other liquids. Not being the skinniest person in the world, pounds shed from my body and congratulations poured from people’s mouths. If only they knew. Finally, I came to the point where I couldn’t live like this anymore. Tired and exhausted, I knew I needed help.
In March I began seeing a Christian counselor for the first time in my life. Her and my general doctor diagnosed me with OCD and Panic Attack Disorder. I thought counseling would be me telling my problems/issues to a counselor, but the first few months were just me balling like a baby on her couch. I should have invested in Kleenex that fiscal quarter. In May I did the unthinkable. I began taking Zoloft.
In the beginning of counseling I idealized my past self, my self before panic attacks and OCD. All I wanted was to get back to that girl, and I was so angry with God for taking my self-sufficiency from me. Now looking back I realize God used my panic attacks as a tool to help me grow stronger and more courageous than I ever was in the past. I never realized how much I struggled with being a people pleaser. My life in every area was out of balance, and I poured so much energy into things that didn't matter.
I know there are many verses on anxiety in the Bible that I have heard over the past few years; yet, I found none of them as comforting as these two. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Hebrews 12:11). And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? “My sons do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives” (Hebrews 12:5-6). Merriam-Webster Dictionary describes “discipline” as a training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character.
Now am I saying that God gave me my panic attacks or OCD? Not at all. But did He use something painful to bring positive change in my life? Absolutely. God showed me I was His no matter what. I am His when I feel useful. I am His when I feel useless and broken. He loved me in the best way: unconditionally. One of my favorite pastors, Mark Batterson, says that sometimes God doesn’t change our circumstances, but He changes our perspectives. Do I still struggle with OCD tendencies and does panic build up inside of me from time to time? Yes, but now my perspective is hopeful and I know God isn’t done with me. Thanks to counseling, medication, and a renewed perspective of God’s love and grace I am on the path of recovery.
If you know someone battling anxiety and/or depression, pray and listen. Don’t treat us like we are fighting something “made-up” in our heads. It is very real and it hurts. Don’t throw Bible verses at us absent-mindedly or assume we have done something spiritually wrong. We wouldn’t do that to a cancer patient, so why do it to someone with a mental disorder? A lot of Christians share that they battled anxiety and depression pre-Jesus, but once they came to know Him they were healed. That’s amazing and so awesome. I couldn’t be happier for them, but that isn’t always the case. Great Christians like Charles Spurgeon, Martin Luther, and President Abraham Lincoln struggled with depression/anxiety as active believers.
If you are struggling with anxiety and/or depression, don’t be afraid to step out and ask for help. It’s a braver step than trying to go it alone. A brave friend opened up to me about her own panic attacks, and her courage inspired me to seek help. I hope my story gives you the courage that my friend’s gave me.