The Loudest Whisper
So I have done more domestic activities in the last 2 days than I probably have in the last few months combined. I cleaned both bathrooms from top to bottom, and not only formed a meal plan for the week, but am actually sticking to it! Last night I made homemade macaroni and cheese. Very good, but the recipe was a little too rich for me. I’m not really a fan of creamy mac and cheese, but I know JJ loves creamy and rich dishes so I thought I would give a new recipe a try. Tonight I made Parmesan chicken bites and lemon herb roasted potatoes served with a side of broccoli. This punch of flavors was much more up my alley than last night’s dish.
It has been nice being home, but also hard. I’m learning that I am really bad at pacing myself throughout the day. After my hair appointment earlier this morning, I sat down for maybe like 5 minutes and I skipped lunch today, so I had more time to make dinner. I’m not a talented chef; however, I am very good at following a recipe and having a dish come out how it should. My big problem is I can’t really improvise and the prep time is about 2-3 times as long as whatever the recipe says. Staying home will be a test to help build my patience level and time-management skills. I definitely need to make more time for me and my interests because now that I am home all the time part of me feel guilty, so I end up working from the time I wake up to just an hour or so before I go to bed. That doesn’t help lower my naturally high anxious and restless mind.
This time period is a bit challenging because I am also relearning how to do life without Zoloft. I stopped cold turkey last month. I had no withdrawal issues, but I was also on a very low dose. I wouldn’t recommend anyone doing it the way I did, but for me it did work fine. After being on it for over a year and seeing some improvements in blood work , I decided that I would give it a try. Since going off it, I have had good and bad days, which I also had while taking my anti-depressant. Some days my mood is all over the place, and I have had the occasional feeling of panic, but now I am better at realizing that is what it is.
Before Zoloft and counseling it just felt like my world was collapsing and I was dying; it was a very lonely and debilitating existence. Now, by the grace of God and therapy, I have a better read on my body’s responses. If I have to go back on Zoloft, I’m okay with that. I’m grateful there is a medication out there that helps so many people have normal lives, including myself. Before meeting with my counselor and going on Zoloft, I defined myself by my failures and limitations. I lived in fear of labels (literally and figuratively if you know my story). Yet, God has continuously reminded me that my limitations and shortcomings are nothing compared to the unstoppable God I love and serve.
Even today as panic and fear crept inside of me, attempting to become part of my new daily routine, I heard God’s whispers of hope. When my fear and anxiety shout and try to disable me from living fully, I love that God responds in a whispering voice. In the past I wondered why God’s voice came to Elijah as a whisper, but now I understand. When someone whispers, you have to lean your head close to him or her to hear them clearly. It requires the listener to tune out the shouting voice, so the quiet voice ends up being the only one that makes any sense.
One of my favorite memory verses this year:
Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I have sustained you and I will rescue you. (Isaiah 46:4)