My Least Favorite Re-Run Ever!
I have been putting off writing this blog entry.
Every day I hoped it would prove unnecessary, and that I would wake up and find that I was just having a very lifelike nightmare.
Yet, here I sit at my computer.
Wide awake.
Since moving to Dallas, my panic attacks went from non-existent to full blast. My annoying, occasional flare up of OCD tendencies and rituals have turned into daily meltdowns and crying spells that would make a pregnant woman say, “Enough already.” It hurts so much to be back in the same pit that I ran out of at full speed only 2 years ago.
There is so much I want to do with my life. First off, I just want to live. Really live. Live without boundaries, without barriers, without obstacles. I want to dream. I want to travel the world. I want to use my gifts and talents to glorify God’s name. I want to worship God without shackles and chains. I can’t wait for the day when every thought is not filled with worry, death, anguish, pain, and mental torment. I can’t wait for the day when I’m off the hook. I just want to be released from this invisible, but very real prison cell.
I end each day rubbing and massaging my throbbing jaw, a result from clenching it from dawn until dusk. I sit in the house all day unable to leave became I’m afraid some dreadful event will overtake me as soon as I step over the threshold. The list ranges from being stung by a bee and going into anaphylaxis to having a panic attack in a public place. Whenever I eat, I immediately regret it because the constant anxiety has transformed my once “iron stomach” into a ride on a tilt-a-whirl. The pain comes in waves. My pulse runs rapidly, my throat spasms from the constant acid reflux, and sometimes just to break up the normal routine, my heart jumps from my chest into my throat and breathing feels like it should qualify as an Olympic event.
Even in this daily battle with anxiety, I could push through because my nights were always peaceful. I could escape the discomfort and struggle in my sleep. A major blessing. Then, last week God allowed that to be taken.
The anger that rages inside of me wants answers. Why this sickness? Why my mind? Why for so long? To say I’m livid at God is an understatement. I don’t know where to begin. The one Who is the source of my hope, the source of my encouragement, and the source of my strength is the same One that holds the answers and the cure. Nevertheless, I possess no new answers and the mental and physical anguish continue stronger each and every day. I feel so conflicted. I want to run into the arms of Jesus, but at the same time I want to scream, yell, and throw my arms in the air at Him.
I love God, but there has always been a “but” attached. I love you God, but please keep me healthy. I love you God, but if you take away my sleep I don’t know if I can trust that you are good. I love you God, but if you don’t take these panic attacks away I’m done. I love you God, but if you don’t bless me then what are you good for? I haven’t always been aware of each and every exception until of course God ripped it away to show what I was putting my faith and trust in; what I was clinging to as I struggled to live by my own terms. I pray as I fight for healing and restoration that the list of “buts” gets down to zero. I pray that through the pain, the anger, the resentment, and constantly changing emotions that God performs the greatest miracle of all in my life. He gives me the freedom to love Him not holding anything back from Him.
Even when it hurts, God still loves me, He is still for me, He is still with me, and His plan for my life is still good.
“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,”
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10 (NIV)